Round two

So it's back.  Intrahepatic cholestasis of pregnancy.  There are a few websites, but the best one is www.itchymoms.com.  I had some blood work done on Wednesday and the doctor called yesterday and advised me to go to the hospital to get more testing.  Awesome.  I was so miserable the last six weeks when I was pregnant with Benjamin that it is a relief this time to actually have a doctor listen to me and know that I'm not going crazy.  I must admit that I feel a bit robbed of the pleasures of pregnancy and childbirth because of what happened with Benjamin.  Hopefully this time will be better- if nothing else, I will be more prepared for the disappointment than I was last time.  Of course, nothing can be worse than having to labor 31 hours and still end up with a c-section... thousands of miles from home.  So I'm going in this morning to see what they have to say...

card making

Ninety degrees outside yesterday.  Sheesh, that is hot for this big old belly.  The bigger I get, the more my body tells me to ssssssssssssssssslow down, which is actually quite difficult for me to do, but I am trying.  My thoughts of doing more work during the day was rather counter-productive when I was absolutely miserable by 5pm, so I'm learning to take it easier.  So on this hot, hot day, Benjamin and I took a trip over to Michael's and bought some card making supplies and made some cards together.  He pretty much just sat there and played with the glue stick, but hey, he was content and was very cute trying to smell the fake flowers.  I've never made cards before and found that it was much like scrapbooking... which I've never done before either.  Main reason for that is time constraint and the fact that we seldom print out pictures.  I thought that they all turned out adorable, but this craft is definitely not a cheap alternative to buying cards.  Actually, I find that most crafts aren't cheaper than purchasing the item, but I like to pretend that I can craft.  I pretty much can half-do any craft out there.  Not near good enough to sell, but good enough to make me happy while doing it. 


They all follow the same theme because it was just easier for me since it was my first batch of them.  And besides, they are all going to different people and I doubt these people are going to have a little party comparing my thank you cards to each other. :)

You're going to do great things, I already know.

So it's 3am and I'm awake. Pregnant people are frequently awake in the middle of the night towards the end.  I think it's God's way to preparing of us for the inevitable sleep deprivation that will incur in the weeks (aka years) after the baby is born.  I was laying in bed and I looked at the clock and it was 3:02 and I thought of the song "The Words I Would Say" by Sidewalk Prophets.  And yes, I totally had to google the band name.  I've never been great with remembering band names.  This song isn't intended to be a song to your unborn child, but when you're pregnant, everything is about your unborn child or your children.  That's just the way it works with all the crazy hormones going on in your body.  I got weepy over a dead baby bird in the backyard just two days ago.  (It really was sad though.)  So here are some the lyrics: 

Three in the morning,
And I'm still awake,
So I picked up a pen and a page,
And I started writing,
Just what I'd say,
If we were face to face,
I'd tell you just what you mean to me,
I'd tell you these simple truths,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

I think my favorite verse is "you're going to do great things, I already know".  Totally true.  You never really know how much you can love an individual until you have your own children.  The same can be said about how much you were loved yourselves until you have your own children. 

Baby-Baby Gilliland

So this not knowing business is getting a bit old.  Warren says it's the most exciting thing he's ever been though (which I think is just adorable), but it is making me a little bit nervous.  Anxious maybe.  Nervous is a bit too strong.  Maybe if we could just come up with a name for a girl and a name for a boy I'd be more content.  Actually, I can narrow that down even further- just ONE name for either a girl or a boy would be great.  Having to come up with two names at once is proving to be too hard.  My mind starts to wander here and there when I start to sit and think about it.  I've looked at books.  I laughed at people who looked at baby name books when I was pregnant with Benjamin.  I kept thinking don't people just know what they want to name their child?  I mean really.  And now I am one of them.  Oh well, I'll keep reading.  Surely we can agree on a name before I have to be sedated.  Thaddeus is starting to sound good these days.

Words that string into sentences

Benjamin has words upon words spilling out of his precious little mouth. Have I ever mentioned how adorable his little mouth is? Well, it is. Looks like mine if I do say so, and mine looks like my Grandmother's. That's as far back as I can go with that.

So I can't even keep up with his sentences anymore! I need to start writing them down because it's so amazing that I know I will want to look back one day soon and see how far we've come. It is always so comforting to look back at where we once were and compare it to where we are now. Benjamin started saying his first whole sentences (I love you Mommy, a cow says moo) in the middle of January. Now he's using the I, me, my, and your pronouns and it's just so strange sometimes to sit and have an actual conversation with him. He is using "W" words more often with meaning (Where the truck, Mommy?") and apparently that is a huge deal says his speech teacher. He does repeat quite a bit of words and some of his language mannerisms are definitely off a bit such as the pause between words (and this may or may not ever change), but that's okay with me. There are multitudes of parents who would love to be in my shoes and hear their child say that they love them. I am blessed beyond measure.

Smiling, finally.

This being Easter weekend, I thought this post would be truly appropriate. This post is primarily meant for facebook since everybody knows that if it's not posted on fb, it's doesn't mean anything.  haha. 

I am blessed with optimism.  Most situations in my life really are viewed as half-full.  I can't say with all certainty that I've always been this optimistic, but I can't recall a time in my life where I've consistently viewed things as half-empty.  Having known several people the complete opposite, I view this attitude as a blessing indeed.  Maybe there is a verse for optimism that someone would like to share on here. 

Having said above statement, I will be honest and say that I have not been completely thankful or optimistic for this pregnancy.  This might come as a shock to some of you, and maybe not so much of a shock to others.  Today being Easter, the church was packed full of people singing "Hosanna" by Hillsong.  I've heard this song probably 200 times in all seriousness, but the lyric "show me how to love like you have loved me" struck a chord in my heart today.  As the rest of the congregation was singing the remainder of the song, I stood there and thought about what that lyric meant and why I was supposed to hear it and remain still in God at that moment.  I am one of those people who truly believes that everything happens for a reason, so I tend to listen when I get such a calling. 

This line of "show me how to love like you have loved me" is in all actuality a prayer, or in my case, a wake-up call.  I have not loved this unborn child as Christ loved me.  Not even remotely.  I have almost been ambivalent about the whole situation.  (May I just say that Warren, blessed man, has been excited for the both of us since day 1.)  We weren't planning on having another child for at least a few more years, so I think most of this attitude comes from me being a tad bit upset that this happened to Benjamin.  Yes, you read that right, I said to Benjamin.  Part of me was upset that I wouldn't be enough for him and how could I have let this happen?  I almost felt guilty for being able to get pregnant when I didn't even want it to happen. 

So today at approximately 11:00am, God showed me again who was in control and that I deserve to be happy for this baby!  This baby deserves a place in this family that is completely his/her own without my parenting issues hovering around it.  After understanding why I was supposed to hear that verse today, I found myself smiling, finally. 

Wildly unpopular parenting

So the last post I touched a little on my dislike for unsolicited advice. At the end of the post I promised to post more about our choices for Benjamin and how these choices have impacted our lives. Many of our decisions are very unpopular and are met with great disdain, which always takes me by surprise because as much as I love my own friends, I don't sit around and think about how their lives are different than ours. Every family situation is unique and when you find a system that works best for your family, you should just do it regardless of how other people may feel about it. And to top it off, you shouldn't feel guilty for those decisions that you know in your heart to be the best choices for your family. And furthermore, the decisions that people make for their family should not be taken as an insult if your lifestyle or previous parenting style is a bit different. Your style is not my style and my style is not the next person's style. Again, embrace differences as just that- a difference of opinion.


One of the main decisions that we've made is about co-sleeping. I've posted on it before. Seems to still be an issue though. Benjamin was a terrible sleeper as an infant. We tried absolutely everything under the sun and when he was six weeks old, I brought him to bed with me out of pure exhaustion. For starters, I had a terrible delivery and a rough time recovering from surgery, so having an infant that quite literally required to be fed every two hours was too much for me to handle. This two hours is from start time to start time, so it was more like every hour and a half at most. I slept in his rocking chair about 75% of the time. There were days where I was so sleepy it was seriously dangerous for me to even drive. My house was a wreck (thank God I had a dishwasher) and we barely ate normal meals until he was six months old. So anyway, enough was enough, and he slept with us and was peaceful at last. He finally slept more than 5 hours a night when he was six months old. And when I tell you that we tried EVERYTHING, I am serious. Do you really think that people enjoy having their children sleep with them? A couple of years later, we learned that Benjamin is a sensory seeker and enjoys constant touch. Even to this day he sleeps better when he is right beside me. He can be clear across the bed and will move in his sleep towards me by midnight or so. No, I do not think that it works for every family or every child. Some children are wonderful sleepers and are exceptionally happy sleeping on their own. May all parents everywhere be blessed with that situation! (Maybe I can get myself one of those children one day.) Given Benjamin's medical situation, it really is the best decision as far as sleeping goes that we could have made. Being secure at night enables him to learn and grow during the day. I truly believe that co-sleeping is one of the keys that has unlocked the door to Benjamin's brain. I understand him, he understands me. People with neuro-typical children have a really hard time understanding how important that is because they have never had to deal with it first hand. Benjamin is making strides far greater than most children with autism can even dream of achieving. Statistically, he only had a 30% chance of speaking a normal language. Let's just think about that for a minute. That's 70% of people diagnosed who never speak. Isn't that something worth changing your life for? Is your child worth it to you? How much inconvenience are you willing to put up with? So you don't have as much room in your bed for a few years.... pretty small sacrifice in my book. Benjamin will eventually ask to sleep in his own bed and that will be fine with me. It's not a co-dependent relationship, trust me. In the meantime, we're okay that he is with us. Three quarters of the world agree with us.