Ethan. Oh, sweet, Ethan.

When E was 18 months old, we went to see the pediatrician for a well-baby exam.  The doctor seemed to think that Ethan was a typical boy, and was slow to talk as all of his other milestones were delayed as well.  (walking late, sitting up late)  He was a tiny bit temperamental, but it wasn't too obvious.  He was a typical toddler in all other aspects.  Then... we started to lose him.  Every passing month I could see it more and more, and while it worried me, I suppressed every bit of that down as Henry was coming soon and I knew I'd have a whole new set of responsibilities to add to my pile.  One of those situations where if you choose not to think about it, maybe it won't exist.  Or even thinking about it somehow gives it power to manifest itself into something real.  I remember shaking my head at parents like that. 

And even as I sit here and write about it, I'm not even quite sure how I feel, and what I should say.  I've spoken it aloud a few times to people who have asked me, but I really don't think that it's hit me yet.  So there we were, back in the neurodevelopmental pediatrian's office.  Pretty sure that I was having some sort of weird flashback.  Asking me the same questions that I've already answered once before.  Whereas some of the answers were different, most of them were the same.  Could I possibly be going through this again?  Say it isn't so.  Is it wrong of me to say that we had such high hopes this time around?  Not that we haven't accepted Benjamin as being perfect in every way, shape, and form- it's just that I was hoping for an easier ride this time.  I know it's normal to want your child to be normal...

And there is something about the second time around that makes it harder speaking it because it seems to be a reflection of us.  That the first time wasn't a fluke.  That it's something that comes from us that makes our children the way they are.  Sort of as if why can't we produce normal children?  In my heart I know that our children are made exactly the way they're supposed to be made, but this is of little comfort to me most of the time these days.  And as much as I know about psychology and how the mind works in grieving (so fascinated by that sort of thing), I know that this is a genuine part of the grieving process.  I'm just in the why phase.  Why do things happen the way they do?  I think if I could wrap my mind around the why, I could process the tackling phase and move on from there.  And now I'm chuckling at the thought of life being something that you could tackle.

So we were sent home with directions of speech therapy.  And of course a return visit in a few months where the inevitable awaits. 

I could write a post, or upload a video every single day on the funny things that Benjamin says.  Really, I could.  He's one of those kids that is just so funny, but yet doesn't realize it because he is so serious.  He has the most tenderhearted spirit that I simply adore.  So last week, we were up before the babies and it was absolutely beautiful here for June.  (This week has made up for the beautiful weather, I'm afraid.)  He was standing on one of the columns on the porch and telling me how it was okay that he didn't have on his shoes because the cement felt nice and cold on his feet.  He then talks about trying new things, and why it is important to try new things even if you're scared.  (What?  I suppose some things do get through their brains!)  So he's very quiet and he says, "Mama, you just close your eyes, and you jump."  And that's what he did.  I wish that I had a phone that had video (ahem, old iphone, forgive me) but I suppose I'll just have to keep that memory inside for it was too precious to forget.  Now, the funny part is that he has jumped off this platform about 3,000 times.  I didn't really understand why it was so scary for him until I looked at the picture- his shoes.  He's not a barefoot in the yard kid for the most part.  He's definitely a yard kid, but barefoot, well, not so much.  The moment was gone before I knew it and he was off doing something else completely random, but I am happy to have had shared the moment with him. 

Silence?

Have you ever wanted to say something, but didn't know how?  Or maybe you didn't want to say something just in case it came true?  As if speaking something gave a hypothetical situation a certain amount of power?  Or maybe it's not a hypothetical situation, and you're increasingly aware of it. 

Maybe one day you will have to say to people, "Yes, two of my children are on the spectrum."  Or maybe you won't, but we all have our own situations in which we don't want to talk about, or to share with anyone because the moment we do, our lives fall apart and we can't stop crying or grieving. 

Sometimes people make the awful assumption that I am quiet, or that I have nothing to say, but know that silence does not mean the absence of words.  It's just that I'm choosing mine carefully.

Thirty seconds of time...

Henry is the best baby ever.  EVER.  He eats, he sleeps, he eats again, he sleeps again.  Not a whole lot else going on.  He's now almost a month old, which would put him at about a week old for a full-term baby.  He's about eight pounds now, I think.  He looks like Benjamin and Ethan combined, so I tend to call him Bethan.  I can't wait to see what his little face is going to look like in a few months.  He really is a sweet baby.  I can't stress that enough.  I wish that I had more exciting things to say about him, but hey, he's a newborn.  They don't do a whole heck of a lot. 

We finally have our sweet Ethan back.  He will a total pill for about six weeks.  Oh, he was terrible.  We aren't sure what that spell was all about, but we are sure glad it's over.  I actually thought to myself one day that he was my least favorite child.  I laughed about it afterwards because you're not supposed to have favorites when it comes to your own children, but at that moment, I really did.  But he's back to being our funny one, and he always amuses us so.  Pretty sure he's going to be a prankster of some sort when he gets older.  I'm not sure why I feel that way, but I do.   

Benjamin is just a doll baby.  I've said it a million times, but he really is.  Funny thing about Bp this week is that he likes his lips brushed after you brush his teeth.  Well, the whole scenario is that I let him brush his teeth and then I finish it all up for him.  His lips have been chapped something awful for about a month (no idea why!), so I've been brushing them after I brush his teeth to get off some of that yuckiness.  They've finally about healed and I forgot to brush his lips last night, and he looked at me strange and said that he needed his lips brushed.  He looked in the mirror and puckered up and was completely serious and I had to turn my head because I didn't want him to see my laughing.  Just the seriousness was what made me laugh. 

Combining blogs

We've had to combine the blogs!  It's too difficult to keep everything updated.  I'll keep Benjamin's blog intact, but most of his future postings will be on this blog.  Poor little Ethan's blog hasn't been written in in over a year, so maybe something will finally get recorded about him.  My own blog is definitely going to be combined into this one.  I'm not really sure how I'll even have time for my own thoughts, but  maybe they will somehow spill over into this blog.  Here's hoping, but no promises. 

Jail

This is the conversation we had when we arrived home from gymnastics this morning:

Bp:  Mommy, I wasn't strapped in.
Me:  Benjamin, I heard it click.
Bp:  I unstrapped it.
Me:  (in my most serious voice)  Benjamin, that is very unsafe and Mommy could go to jail for that.
Bp:  (in his most serious voice)  That's good to know.  But Mommy, I would come and get you if you were in jail.
Me:  That's also good to know.  I appreciate that.  But please don't do that again.

Angels

I know that you'll probably all think that I'm crazy, but perhaps not.  Maybe you've noticed this yourself with your own children.  When Benjamin was very small (less than 4), and a story was read to him about angels, he would comment that he liked angels.  Now, being a little skeptical, I would ask him what an angel was, and he would always respond with a description of their wings.  I'd ask if he saw angels during the day and he would always respond with "during the sunny day" (he still says this part), which means in the morning to him.  So okay, sure, why not see angels during the morning?  It's always been my favorite part of the day, and I really miss waking up early (completely well rested, mind you) and being outside.  But back to the story, the point is that he has always commented on angels, and has always seemed to know what they were.  I have no idea if he knows or has ever known what their purpose is in our lives, but he loves them.  And then a funny story...

So he loves reading out of his Bible.  I'm not even bragging about this because it isn't as if I have made huge encouragements for him to do so.  It's not ME at all, even though that would be nice if it were.  We have several children's Bibles, but one in particular is more of a big kid type Bible, and he favors that one the most lately.  It has 512 pages.  I know.  He will look at it for an hour if he's left alone with no distractions.  This is a VERY long time for him to do anything.  So the other night he wants me to read it to him before bed, and we get to one of the stories with an angel, and he says, "I wish I had wings."  And I was sort of paying attention, and sort of reading, and I said, "Oh, like an angel?"  The response was laughter and, "No, like a helicopter."  So part of laughed and part of me cringed because it was a signal that he's growing up.  There are reasons that God lets the very young see angels- they have no reason to doubt their existence.  He still loves to read about angels, but he doesn't talk about them anymore.  

He is growing up so quickly, and so many big kid mentalities are creeping in.  It's a bittersweet time, but mostly just sweet.  He sits and plays video games on his ipad, and says cool and awesome with regularity.  He wants to sit with Daddy and play his "fight man game" (which btw isn't like gruesome or anything, although the characters are a bit too shady for my liking) when he really should be going to bed.  We have pics of his birthday coming up!